My directing journey starts here.

Theater is my asylum.

In my seventeen years of life I had never known what it was to truly love something — until vivi, until cfa, until this pure and lovable crew.

People lie in their diaries, but I want what follows to be an honest summary of these eight months.

The essay is long because there’s so much to say. The logic is messy because feeling took over.

When I first took over the club, I didn’t have much technical skill, and I hadn’t contributed much to last year’s main show. A sense of unworthiness swallowed the joy of becoming the president. I worried I didn’t have the ability to stage such a big production. I worried that when the actors needed professional guidance I would only clumsily pull out quick-directing tricks I’d learned on YouTube or Bilibili. I worried my worries would become an obstacle to building the group spirit. As it turned out, my fears weren’t entirely unfounded — rumors and doubts about Vivi core’s capability accompanied CFA’s growth. But the core’s unity gave us strength and confidence to fight back and let our work speak for itself.

Yet, just like the show Come From Away itself, this crew — from the very first rehearsal — made me let go of the earlier pressure and anxiety. Everyone’s easygoing nature and tolerance let me put down my burden and sink completely into the charm of theatre and music. Every Monday, during the last two class periods, SMY and I would, without coordinating, open the CFA official footage on Bilibili and screenshot the blocking frame by frame. Just like that, during EA lessons that footage became the video we watched for the longest time on Bilibili — we looped it maybe fifty times. Three-hour rehearsals felt like thirty minutes; they flew by in a blink.

In countless group-chat relay threads, in innumerable “received — pat me” messages, we were gradually tied together by invisible threads. The tighter the ties grew, the more I shed the sternness I wore at auditions. I stopped trapping myself, and my steps toward Building C lightened. Through actors’ and core members’ tolerance and the repeated rehearsals that finally clicked, confidence replaced that sense of not belonging.

We were never the most perfect or best-planned core team. Rehearsal segments were set on the fly. Training schedules were the result of last-night all-nighters between SMY and me. But somehow — everything happened at exactly the right time.

After the show I reflected on why things had gone so smoothly: the actors — the people we could trust the most.

I saw LH’s script covered in highlighter and witnessed the huge progress from the first run to the official performance in LH’s portrayal of Beulah. I watched CTL practice the British accent again and again, craft the character in minute detail, and be so familiar with the lines that they could step in and deliver for anyone who was absent. I saw MOMO the night before the show, after a serious talk, feel helpless about how to improve. I saw QLF thinking about the role from the very start, only to break down because the role’s breadth and depth felt impossible to reach.

Each person’s thoughtful engagement with the plot and their characters ran so deep. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I read QLF’s handwritten long note, that I truly believed it: in an amateur student crew, where else would you find twelve actors who seem born for their roles? A perfect interpretation is the result of endless repetition — and also the pain and emptiness that come when a role, once fully absorbed, is hard to let go.

That emptiness rushed over me the nights after the show. “Back to the way that things were” felt impossible. CFA had become woven into every part of life, as if it had grown on me. The CFA elements in my life formed a complete puzzle in my head: the pinned tab with the CFA official footage on my browser, the Canvas posts laid out for tweets, the banner on the cafeteria stairs, posters around campus, the globill booth by the cafeteria entrance, the signing board at the theater door, the cast board, the scattered merch on the table — every little CFA piece tugged at me.

So whenever a little CFA disappeared from campus, I felt the picture in my head lose a piece. The first time history class was held in the theater after the show, everything seemed to revert to normal: the eight big trees were gone, the lights were dull house lights, and only the landmark ysm pasted and a few cardboard boxes at the wing remembered CFA. I walked back to the entrance feeling empty, thinking I could sort my thoughts by sorting the merch so I could go back to class. But seeing the design kids’ delicate badges and program booklets, and my own designed ticket stubs and boarding passes lined up and boxed, I couldn’t hold the tears back — maybe this was “but as they boarded it started to rain.”

Over these eight months I hardly cried. Apart from that one time a post got stuck on my iPhone 7 and I bawled in a panic, I haven’t let myself cry the whole time — maybe because I hadn’t cried enough before. After the performance the tears wouldn’t stop. Looking at LXY’s videos, SMY and I would both burst into tears. Missing everyone so much, I ran to SMY’s dorm at midnight and started a voice call; everyone watched and we all cried until our faces were silly. It was a bit embarrassing, but also warm. Seeing ZHF wear the Captain Bristol costume again, seeing MiniQ who can’t stop crying when they hear we’re crying — I knew CFA’s warmth and love had reached every member of the crew. As I wrote on WeChat Moments, this is the meaning of doing musicals and the determination to keep doing them. For me right now, presenting meaningful work onstage is a solution to resist absurdity.

Vivi Musicis, illuminate every voice.

All Come From Away crew, don’t be a stranger!

Theater is my asylum.

我17年的人生里 从未遇到过热爱 直到遇到vivi 直到遇到cfa 直到遇到这样一个纯粹而可爱的剧组

人在日记中都会撒谎 但我希望下文能是对这8个月的坦诚总结

文章很长 因为有太多想说的 逻辑很乱 因为感性占上了风

在接手社团初期 由于没有太多专业能力 也没能在去年大戏中做出太多贡献 不配得感淹没了当上社长的喜悦 我担心自己的实力不支撑自己排下这样一部大戏 担心演员们在需要专业指导时自己只能扭扭捏捏的拿出在youtube或b站上速成的导演技巧 更担心我的担心会成为团魂建立上的阻碍 事实证明 我的担心也不无道理 流言蜚语和对vivi core实力的质疑伴随着cfa的成长 而core的团结让我们有实力和自信fight back 用作品说话

可就如同cfa这部剧一样 这个剧组在第一次排练就让我放下了先前的压力和焦虑 大家的随和和包容 让我卸下重担 完全沉浸在戏剧和音乐的魅力中 每周一最后两节课 我和smy就不约而同打开b站上的cfa官摄 一张一张截下走位 就这样 在一节节ea课上 cfa官摄成为了b站上观看时长最久的视频 循环播放了有50次 3个小时的排练每次都像30分钟一样 一眨眼就过去了

在数不清的#接龙 里 在无数个“收到拍拍我”中 我们就这样被无形的线逐渐捆绑在一起 越绑越紧 我从audition时候的严肃逐渐摘下头衔 不再作茧自缚 走向c栋的脚步也愈发轻盈 在演员和core的包容和一次次排练逐渐上道的过程中 自信心取代了不配得感

我们从来不是最完美最有规划的core团队 每次排练片段是临时定的 集训的计划是前一天晚上和smy狂肝出来的 但莫名其妙 一切的一切都时机刚刚好

大戏结束后反思为何一切如此顺利的原因：演员们 让我们最放心的一群存在

我看到过lh划满荧光笔的剧本和从一开始到正式演出对Beulah的诠释的巨大进步 看到过ctl反复练习的英式口音和对角色性格细致入微的展现 以及能在任何人缺席时直接替上去说台词的惊人的对台词的熟悉程度 看到过momo在大戏前三天serious talk后不知道怎么改进的无力感 看到过qlf从排练开始就琢磨角色 却由于角色的厚度与深度难以触及的崩溃

每一个人对剧情和角色的琢磨之深 我直到昨天看到qlf的手写小长文才在震惊中相信 在一个业余学生剧组中 哪里会有12个天生就和角色如此契合的演员 完美的诠释是背后反复反复的练习的成果 也是角色已然融入自身大戏后难以抽离的痛苦和空虚

这样的空虚在大戏结束后的夜晚势不可挡的向我涌来 “Back to the way that things were”实在太难了 cfa已经完全融入了生活的每一部分 像长在我身上一样 生活中的cfa元素在我心目中组成了一个完整的拼图 google上固定标签页的cfa官摄和canvas推文排版 食堂楼梯上挂的横幅 校园里大大小小的海报 食堂门口的globill摊位 剧场门口的签名版 卡司版 和桌上散落的周边 每一个关于cfa的小元素都牵动着我

因此每每看到校园里的cfa少了一点 就感觉心中完整的cfa拼图在一点点消失 国家历史去剧场上课是大戏后第一次回剧场 everything turns back to normal 8棵大树完全没了踪影 灯光变成乏味的场灯 只有ysm贴的地标和台侧少量纸箱子还记得cfa的存在 失落的走回门口 希望在整理周边的同时整理一下思绪好继续上课 然而看着美工小朋友们设计的精致的徽章和场刊 自己设计的票根和登机牌 将他们排整齐放入盒子里的一瞬间 眼泪又不可控制的流了下来 这可能也是“but as they boarded it started to rain”吧

8个月来 眼泪出现的次数少之又少 除了一次发推文被自己的iphone7卡的急哭了 I haven’t let myself cry the whole time 可能因为之前哭太少了 演出完眼泪流的有点停不下来 一点看lxy的视频我和smy哇一下就哭出来了 又因为太想大家了 半夜跑到smy寝室发起了语音通话 所有人看着smywfy和我哭成鬼图 有点丢脸 但是有点温暖 看到zhf又穿上captain bristol的衣服 看到miniq说一听到我们哭就也停不下来的哭 我知道 cfa的温暖和爱就这样 被传递到了剧组的每一个人身上 就像我在pyq说的 这是我们做音乐剧的意义和继续做下去的决心

Vivi Musicis 让每个声音发光

All Come From Away crew, don’t be a stranger!